A new priest at his first mass was so nervous that he could hardly speak. After mass, he asked the monsignor how he had done.The monsignor replied, " When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the $$=+ out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10)We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11)What Jesus said at the last supper was "take this bread and eat it for it's my body." He did not say.. Eat me
12)The Virgin Mary is not called " Mary with the Cherry,.
13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's....
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Your First Time
It's your first time.
As you lie back..you feel your muscles tighten.
You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.
He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely.
He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place.
He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be.
He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him - he's done this many times before.
His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance.
You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible.
As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues.
He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful.
Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on.
He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you.
After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over.
He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.
You smile and thank your dentist.
After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled out
For those of you who had sex and orgasm in their minds - shame on you !!
Don't worry your time will come !
A word of thanks for asking to put in a few words on Dentists and adultery
As you lie back..you feel your muscles tighten.
You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.
He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely.
He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place.
He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be.
He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him - he's done this many times before.
His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance.
You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible.
As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues.
He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful.
Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on.
He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you.
After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over.
He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.
You smile and thank your dentist.
After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled out
For those of you who had sex and orgasm in their minds - shame on you !!
Don't worry your time will come !
A word of thanks for asking to put in a few words on Dentists and adultery
Sunday, November 9, 2008
Cyber-sex-lay-about-and-nerdo-well
It is estimated that 75 percent of Japanese women own vibrators.
The global average is only 47 percent
Perhaps this may be due to the influence of electronics in their society... it is also believed that the next generation of japanese vibrators.."comes" with a robot !
The maximum depth at which vaginal stimulation occurs is only 2"
This makes it all the more funny, when women complain about being shagged, sorry that is when they complain that they have a headache when asked for sex !
A female orgasm is a powerfull painkiller [because of the release of endorfines], so headaches are in fact a bad excuse not to have sex... Women must be educated on this aspect !
It is believed that one in three men, cheats on his partner, as opposed to one in four women. However it is sad that only 28% of female cheaters get caught, while you don't want to know the male side... it may make you cry !
By the way... a "cyber-sex-lay-about-and-neer-do-well" is a person who reads sex trivia pages on the Internet...
So thanks for asking to comment on this subject........
The global average is only 47 percent
Perhaps this may be due to the influence of electronics in their society... it is also believed that the next generation of japanese vibrators.."comes" with a robot !
The maximum depth at which vaginal stimulation occurs is only 2"
This makes it all the more funny, when women complain about being shagged, sorry that is when they complain that they have a headache when asked for sex !
A female orgasm is a powerfull painkiller [because of the release of endorfines], so headaches are in fact a bad excuse not to have sex... Women must be educated on this aspect !
It is believed that one in three men, cheats on his partner, as opposed to one in four women. However it is sad that only 28% of female cheaters get caught, while you don't want to know the male side... it may make you cry !
By the way... a "cyber-sex-lay-about-and-neer-do-well" is a person who reads sex trivia pages on the Internet...
So thanks for asking to comment on this subject........
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