Monday, March 2, 2015

Is Hell Exothermic Or Endothermic

The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry midterm, and an actual answer turned in by a student.

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over,it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct.... ...leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'


Saturday, February 21, 2015

How Moses Got The 10 Commandments

Please view this in the context that it has been portrayed, ie., light humor - it is just that there are too many religious bulletins coming out and the mind is getting out of hand.

Hence the below...

The Lord went to the Arabs and said, 'I have Commandments for you that will make Your lives better.'

The Arabs asked, 'What are Commandments?' And the Lord said, 'They are rules for Living.'

Can you give us an example?' 'Thou shall not kill.' 'Not kill? We're not interested.'

So He went to the Blacks and said, 'I have Commandments.'

The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord Said, 'Honor thy Father and Mother.'

'Father? We don't know who our fathers are. We're not interested.'

Then He went to the Mexicans and said, 'I have Commandments.'

The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said 'Thou shall not steal.' 'Not steal? We're not interested.'

Then He went to the French and said, I have Commandments.'

The French too wanted an example and the Lord Said, 'Thou shall not commit adultery.'

Not commit adultery? We're not interested.'

Finally, He went to the Jews and said, 'I have Commandments.' 'Commandments?' They said, 'How much are They?' 'They're free.'

'We'll take 10.'

There, that should offend just about Everybody.

Once again, this is just a joke and it is not an intention to hurt any specific person, or religion... some of my best friends are from the religions mentioned above, and they did have a good laugh at this...

Thursday, February 19, 2015

The Indian Condom Market

Was watching the idiot box yesterday, and noticed that the Indian Condom market had been given an extensive makeover.. There are multiple brands now in the market, and the models openly advertise the policy of multiple partners, but sex should be safe and hence the product.

I remember at one point in time it was so difficult to convince a male to wear one in this part of the world.. perhaps it is the Indian male "hangup".....

Now just imagine what happened if a variety of companies decided to enter the condom market.. say Nike.. No doubt, it would be a great hit.. With a catch phrase of "Just Do It" would not only remove any misgivings on the product, but would also transcend any cultural barriers...

Now to go one step further, just imagine if all major retailers started making their own condoms and kept the same tag-line... beginning with Nike..

Nike - Just Do It

Tesco Condoms - every little helps
Galaxy Condoms - Why have rubber when you can have silk.
KFC Condoms - Finger licking good.
Minstrels Condoms - melt in your mouth, not in your hands.
Safeway Condoms - Lightening the load.
Coca Cola condoms - The real thing.
Ever Ready condoms - keep going and going.
Pringles condoms - once you pop, you cant stop
Burger King Condoms - Home of the whopper
Goodyear Condoms - for a longer ride go wide
FCUK condoms - no comment required.
Muller light condoms - so much pleasure, but where's the pain.
Halfords condoms - we go the extra mile.
Royal Mail condoms - I saw this and thought of you.
Andrex condoms - Soft, strong and very very long
Renault condoms - size really does matter!
Ronseal condoms - does exactly what it says on the tin
Ronseal quick-drying condoms - its dry and waterproof in 30 minutes
Domestos condoms - gets right under the rim!!! (Please)
Heineken condoms - reaches parts that other condoms just cannot reach
Carlsberg condoms - probably the best condom in the world
AA Condoms - for the 4th emergency service
Pepperami condoms - it's a bit of an animal
Polo condoms - the condom with the hole!!!

Now to "close" the topic with an anecdote.... no offense please..

To avoid a condom related accident use 2 condoms with chilli powder in between them if outer breaks she will know and if inner one breaks you will know !

Viva la condom !

Tuesday, February 17, 2015

The Old Lady And The Defense Attorney

Defense Attorney: What is your age?

Little Old Woman: I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you?

Little Old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?

Little Old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down beside you?

Little Old Woman: He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?

Little Old Woman: No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner passed away some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Woman: He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?

Little Old Woman: Hell No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just spread my old legs and said to him, just spread my old legs "Take me, young man, take me!"

Defense Attorney: Did he take you?

Little Old Woman: Hell, no. That's when he yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot the sob !


Thursday, February 12, 2015

Corporate Communication

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold; the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field.

While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was.

The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!

Now what can we learn from this?

A1: Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy.
A2: Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
A3: Most importantly: when you're in deep shit, keep your mouth shut

Quick Thinking

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston .. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350 .. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use. "But we didn't use them," the man complains ... "Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says. "But we didn't go to any of those shows, "complains the man again .. "Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies ... No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!"

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay .. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager ... The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, this check is only made out for $50."..... "That's correct," says the man. "I charged you $300 for sleeping with my wife." .. "But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.. Well, too bad," the man replies... "She was here and you could have."

Quick thinking.....

Similarly in marketing, it is those who can come up with such glib, make it to the top !\

A Trainee's First Day In A MNC

A man joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee On his first day, he dialed the kitchen and shouted into the phone:

"Get me a cup of coffee, quickly!"

The voice from the other side responded:

"You fool; you've dialled the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to?"

"No" replied the trainee.

"It's the Managing Director of the company, you idiot!"

The trainee shouted back: "And do you know who YOU are talking to, you IDIOT?"

"No!" replied the Managing Director angrily.

"Good" replies the trainee and puts down the phone.