Who Said Blondes Were Dumb

A lawyer and a sexy blonde with huge boobs, are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY.

Curiosity gets the better of the lawyer and asks the blonde with sexy legs and huge tits about her profession. The hottie tells him that she is a model

Satisfied, the lawyer introduces himself and asks the hot blonde whether she would like to play a fun game.

The sexy model just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa."

Again, the blonde model politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50!" figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match.

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what is the answer!?"

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

Now, who said blondes were dumb !

Big Shit No Chief

There was this chief somewhere in the dark continent... and he was constipated....

Aftr the 1st day, he send a runner to go get his personal medicine man...

The medicine man asked the runner..what the problems was... he says...

"Big Chief, No Sh*t"...

So he send the Chief some local laxatives and told the runner to tell the chief to take 2 pills...

Unfortunately there was no improvement in the chief's condition... so he send the runner again to the medicine man...

This time he told the runner to tell the chief to take 4 pills...

Again there was no improvement and the chief had problem cr*ppin...

Nextday, he screamed at the runner and said .. if there is no improvement by tomorrow, both you and the medicine man would be tomorrow's supper..

The runner, scared stiff explained this to the doctor..

The Doctor calmly advised him to tell the chief to take 8 pills, knowing the strength of the pills..

The runner on the way thought, instead of the 8 pills, what if the Chief took the entire bottle... this way, there would be adefinite result and he could surely save his head..

So he advised the chief.. to consume the entire bottle..

Next day, the runner came running faster than usual to the medicine man....

When asked about the problemm...he couldn't speak... finally when he came to..

He says... "Big Sh*t No Chief"....

The Two Nuns

There were two nuns.

One of them is known as Sister Mathematical (SM) and the other one is known as Sister Logical (SL).

It was getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past
thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It’s logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most. What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It’s not working!

SL: Of course it’s not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I’ll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried what has happened to Sister Logical. Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank the lord you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn’t follow us both, so he followed me.

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me....

SM: What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up....

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants....

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn’t it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down........


And those of you who thought it would be dirty, Pray for forgiveness.

Vodka And Sermon

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous that he could hardly speak. After mass, he asked the monsignor how he had done.The monsignor replied, " When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.

At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.

He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.

8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the $$=+ out of him.

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10)We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."

11)What Jesus said at the last supper was "take this bread and eat it for it's my body." He did not say.. Eat me

12)The Virgin Mary is not called " Mary with the Cherry,.

13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's....

Your First Time

It's your first time.

As you lie back..you feel your muscles tighten.

You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.

He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely.

He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place.

He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be.

He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him - he's done this many times before.

His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance.

You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible.

As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues.

He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful.

Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on.

He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you.

After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over.

He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.

You smile and thank your dentist.

After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled out

For those of you who had sex and orgasm in their minds - shame on you !!

Don't worry your time will come !

A word of thanks for asking to put in a few words on Dentists and adultery

Cyber-sex-lay-about-and-nerdo-well

It is estimated that 75 percent of Japanese women own vibrators.

The global average is only 47 percent

Perhaps this may be due to the influence of electronics in their society... it is also believed that the next generation of japanese vibrators.."comes" with a robot !

The maximum depth at which vaginal stimulation occurs is only 2"

This makes it all the more funny, when women complain about being shagged, sorry that is when they complain that they have a headache when asked for sex !

A female orgasm is a powerfull painkiller [because of the release of endorfines], so headaches are in fact a bad excuse not to have sex... Women must be educated on this aspect !

It is believed that one in three men, cheats on his partner, as opposed to one in four women. However it is sad that only 28% of female cheaters get caught, while you don't want to know the male side... it may make you cry !

By the way... a "cyber-sex-lay-about-and-neer-do-well" is a person who reads sex trivia pages on the Internet...

So thanks for asking to comment on this subject........

Nothing Llike A Blonde Scorned

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates, and suitcases.

On the second day she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table.

Lit the candles, put on some soft background music and feasted on a lb of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of chardonnay.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods.

She cleaned up the kitchen and left

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.

Then slowly the house began to smell.......

They tried everything, cleaning, mopping, and airing the place out.

Vents were checked for dead rodents and the carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere.

Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days.

Nothing worked......

People stopped coming over to visit.

Repair men refused to work in the house...

The maid quit...

Finally they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move..

A month later, even though they cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.

Word got out, and eventually the local realitors refused to take their calls.

Finally they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife [the blonde] called her x husband, and asked how things were going.

He told her the saga of the rotting house...

She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back !!!

Knowing his wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10 what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.....

The blonde agreed, and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paper work.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smilimg as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home, including the curtain rods.

Moral of the story...

Be extremly careful with blondes.... !!

Career Decision Made Easy

Two managers are heatedly discussing on how to lay off one of their two assistants, Jack or Jane. They go back and forth but can't decide who to lay off. Finally, one manager decides that they lay off the first person who gets up from their desk.

In the meantime, Jane is hard at work but suddenly gets a headache. She gets some aspirin from her desk drawer and gets up from her desk to get some water. As agreed, one of the managers gets up to break the bad news to Jane.

Jane, I need to talk to you. I've got a problem. I either need to lay you or Jack off..." Jane responds..... Well..... Jack off ! I've got a headache.

Business Ethics

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss. The brain said: "I should be Boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions."

The feet said, "We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go."

The hands said, "We should be the Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money."

And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the a*s*hole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the a*s*hole being the Boss.

So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work. Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually they all decided that the a*s*hole should be the boss, so the motion was passed.

All the other parts did all the work while the boss just sat and passed out the shit!



Q: What can we learn from this?
A: You don't need brains to be a Boss - any a*s*hole will do.

The Skeleton

Q: Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
A: He didn't have the guts.

Similarities Between Osama And Crabs

What do Osama bin Laden and crabs have in common?

They both irritate Bush.

Gonorrhea Or Diarrhoea

When a man died, his wife put the usual death notice in the newspapar but added that he died of gonorrhoea. No sooner were the papers delivered than a good friend called and compalined bitterly, "You know he died of diarrhoea, not gonorrhoea."

Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day, so of course I know he died of diarrhoea. But I thought it would be better to remember him as a great lover than the big shit he always was."

Grateful Dead - Touch of Grey

Grateful Dead - Touch of Grey music video

Never got to see the Dead Live.......Long live the Dead!

Bullshit And Ambition

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy.

Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.



Q: What can we learn from this?
A: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

A Dead Horse - Real-Life Reflections On Business Strategy

During your MBA course, you probably learned that when you discover your company is riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount as quickly as possible.

However, in real-life business we often try other strategies with dead horses, including the following:

1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Saying things like "This is the way we always have ridden this horse."
4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
5. Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.
6. Increasing the standards to ride dead horses.
7. Appointing a tiger team to revive the dead horse.
8. Creating a training session to increase our riding ability.
9. Comparing the state of dead horses in today's environment.
10. Change the requirements declaring that "This horse is not dead."
11. Hire contractors to ride the dead horse.
12. Harnessing several dead horses together for increased speed.
13. Declaring that "No horse is too dead to beat."
14. Providing additional funding to increase the horse's performance.
15. Do a CA Study to see if contractors can ride it cheaper.
16. Purchase a product to make dead horses run faster.
17. Declare the horse is "better, faster and cheaper" dead.
18. Form a quality circle to find uses for dead horses.
19. Revisit the performance requirements for horses.
20. Say this horse was procured with cost as an independent variable.
21. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.

The three corpses

Three smiling corpses are lying in a morgue in Arkansas, and a detective goes into the coroner's to find the causes of death.

The coroner points to the first dead man.

"This is Cletus," he says. "He died of shock after winning 20 million on the lottery."

He then moves on to the second smiling corpse. "This is Bo," the coroner says with a grin. "He died while doing 'it' with Trudy-May."

Finally he moves on to the last smiling corpse. "This is Roscoe," says the coroner. "He died after being struck by lightning."

"Well," asks the detective, "Why in hell was the fool smiling?"

"Oh," says the coroner. "He thought he was having his picture taken."

The Scale

George forgot his anniversary and obviously the wife got mad.

She told him that he had until the next morning, before which time there better be something in the driveway. Something that could go from zero to sixty in 6 seconds.

So George went and got his wife a gift -

When his wife looked out the window and saw a neatly wrapped up box in the driveway, she rushed and unwraps the box, only to find a SCALE.

George has been missing since Friday !!

The Namibia Cheetah

Charlize-Theron - Couldn't Avoid This

What is Dead Man Talking

You said it !!

Nothing, basically nothing..... just a blog to satisfy readers and society to justify any faux pas that may have been committed.... Its incredible....the world we live in....

There is no me or you..... but just us !

In other words..... the vision of the moron or stupid or even an imbecile to justify his mistakes...

From a personal view point..... just another day in paradise....

Dead Manchester United Fan

Question - What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead Manchester United Fan?

Answer - Skid marks in front of the dog.

And How Did You Die?

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a real bummer of a day when you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.

The next day at 12:01am, the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly said to the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died."

"No problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife half naked. She appeared to be having an affair, but her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment.

Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy! Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This ticked me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first thing Could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."

The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announced, "OK, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.

A few seconds later the next guy came up. The Angel said, "Before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died." "No problem," said the second man. "But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom which broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move, and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his REFRIGERATOR, of all things, off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly."

The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "Very well," the Angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets the man enter.

A few seconds later, a third man comes up to the gate. The angel says, "Please tell me how you died."

The third man says, "OK, picture this. I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator..."

God of the Operating Room

The Chair

Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and Bill Gates all died in a plane crash and went to meet their maker.

The supreme deity turned to Al and asked, tell what is important about yourself. Al responded that he felt that the earth was the ultimate importance and that protecting the earth's ecological system was most important. God looked to Al and said, " I like the way you think, come and sit at my left hand".

God then asked Bill Clinton what he revered most. Bill Clinton responded that he felt people and their personal choices were most important. God responded, " I like the way you think, come and sit at my right hand".

God then turned to Bill Gates, who was staring at him indignantly. God asked "What is your problem Bill Gates?"

Bill Gates responded " I think you are sitting in my chair".

Reservations Required

The things to come !

Indiana Jones is as Good as Dead

Source: Indiana Jones
Domain: HarrisonFordIsOld.com

The Aussie Cricket Fab

An Australian cricket fan dies on match day (probably from drinking too much) and goes to heaven in his Australian cricket shirt.

He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks Saint Peter.

'Hello mate,' the Aussie says.

'No Australian cricket fans in heaven,' replies Saint Peter.

'What?' exclaims the man, astonished.

'You heard, no Australian cricket fans.'

'But, but, but, I've been a good man,' replies the Aussie.

'Oh really,' says Saint Peter. 'What have you done then?'

'Well, three weeks before I died I gave $10 to the starving children in Africa.'

'Oh,' says Saint Peter, 'anything else?'

'Well, two weeks before I died I also gave $10 to the homeless.'

'Hmmm, anything else?'

'Yeah. A week before I died I gave $10 to the Albanian orphans.'

'OK,' said Saint Peter, 'you wait here a minute while I have a word with the boss.'

Ten minutes pass before Saint Peter returns. He looks the bloke in the eye and says, 'I've had a word with God and he agrees with me. Here's your $30 back, now shoo.'

Coloring your pubic hair

Coloring your pubic hair is one of a hairdressers biggest jokes.

When we have a client we always think shall we mix a batch to match the snatch. It sounds so funny. Believe it or not the clients who want to mix the batch to match.......are men. I know some men that you wouldn't believe have it done.

The dye that you use on the area should be all natural and a low amount of ammonia. There are a lot of products with less the 5% ammonia. Chi, Paul Mitchell are two permanent hair colors. You can also use semi permanent. It will wash out quicker, but it will not itch as much.

If you are a married woman or man and want to stimulate your partner go for it. It is easier then shaving the area. You can imagine how itchy that would be. I can tell you from experience. Stubble in that spot could be very itchy.

It is a lot safer then getting a tattoo. Your partner will be in shock for awhile, but they get over it. It is a turn on.

While you are at it you might as well get a heart shape hair cut.

Dying your pubic hair should be done with a dye brush, not a bottle. The dye should be mixed with your favorite color. The area should be freshly shampooed and blown dry.

Leave the color on for a good 30 min. Shampoo and condition just like you would do your hair.

It is also wise to take a skin test after five min. To make sure you are not allergic to it. If you start to swell and turn red in the area then take it off immediately. Another allergic reaction would be having trouble breathing. It happens to people sometimes when you color the hair on your head.

So you can imagine how sensitive it is in that area. It is a chemical and you are putting it in a very very sensitive area of your body. So please take a skin test and do not take it for granted that you will not have a reaction.

Have fun with color and be safe.

The Lawyer & The Dead Man

A dying man gathered his best friends - a lawyer, doctor and a priest - at his bedside and handed each of them an envelope containing $25,000 in cash.

He made them each promise that after his death and during his repose, they would place the three envelops in his coffin. He told them that he wanted to have enough money to enjoy the next life.

A week later the man died. At the wake, the lawyer and doctor and clergyman each concealed an envelope in the coffin and bid their old client and friend farewell.

By chance, these three met several months later. Soon the priest, feeling guilty, blurted out a confession saying that there was only $10,000 in the envelope he placed in the coffin. He felt, rather than waste all the money, he would send it to a mission in South America. He asked for their forgiveness.

The doctor, moved by the gentle Clergyman's sincerity, confessed that he too had kept some of the money for a worthy medical charity. The envelope, he admitted, had only $8000 in it. He said he too could not bring himself to waste the money so frivolously when it could be used to benefit others.

By this time the Lawyer was seething with self-righteous outrage. He expressed his deep disappointment in the felonious behavior of two of his oldest and most trusted friends. "I am the only one who kept my promise to our dying friend. I want you both to know that the envelope I placed in the coffin contained the full amount.

The other men looked down in embarrassment and the lawyer continued, "Indeed, only I honored the deathbed wishes of our great friend. My envelope contained my personal check for the entire $25,000."

The blonde and the rancher

A blonde dyed her hair black, and thought she looked so great she decided to go for a drive in the country to celebrate.

After a bit, she was driving by a sheep ranch and stopped to look at the sheep which she liked very much.

She went over the the rancher and said, "If I can tell you how many are in this field right now, will you let me have one?" The rancher said, "If you can count that fast, sure!"

The blonde said: "524." The rancher, amazed, told her to take her pick, for that was the exact count. After a few minutes, the blonde came back with her animal.

The rancher said, "If I can tell you what color your hair was before you dyed it, could I have my dog back?"

Vehicle in heaven

3 Men were waiting to go to heaven. St Peter was at the gate and said, "However good you were to your wife that is the vehicle you will get in heaven".

The first guy comes up to the gate and says, "I never, ever cheated on my wife and I love her". So St. Peter gives him a Rolls Royce.

The next man comes up and says, "I cheated on my wife a little but I still love her." He gets a mustang and drives off into heaven.

The next guy came up and said, "I cheated on my wife a lot". He gets a scooter.

Next day the guy that got the scooter was riding along and he saw the guy who owned the Rolls Royce crying.

He asked, "Why are you crying you have such a nice car?!" and the man sobbed, "My wife just went by on roller skates".

Can you get married in heaven ?

On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple has a fatal car accident.

The couple is sitting outside heavens' gate waiting on St. Peter to do the paperwork so they can enter.

While waiting, they wonder if they could possibly get married in Heaven.

St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him. St. Peter says, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone has ever asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.

The couple sit for a couple of months and begin to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work out?" they wonder, "Are we stuck together forever?"

St. Peter returns after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you can get married in Heaven." "Great," says the couple, "but what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" exclaims the frightened couple.

"Geez!" St. Peter exclaims, "It took me three months to find a priest up here!

Do you have any idea how long it's going to take for me to find a lawyer?"

Lawyer At The Gates !

A new York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?" The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street." Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.

Saint Peter said, "Well , that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven." The Lawyer said, "Wait Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter." Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.

Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?"

Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter,

"Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."

Head at the bar

A man is waiting for wife to give birth.

The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him.

Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out!

The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.

Swoooop! Two arms pops out. The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink"! The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out.

The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left.... then to the right.... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.

The bar falls silent.

The father moans in grief.

The bartender sighs and says, "That boy should have quit while he was a-head."

What should they say?

Three buddies die in a car crash, and they go to heaven to an orientation.

They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you? The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, "Wow! He's moving!"

The name of your wife

St. Peter is questioning three married couples to see if they qualify for admittance to heaven.

"Why do you deserve to pass the Pearly Gates?" he asks one of the men, who had been a butler.

"I was a good father," he answers.

"Yes, but you were a drunk all your life. In fact, you were so bad you even married a woman named Sherry. No admittance."

St. Peter then turned to the next man, a carpenter, and asked him the same question.

The carpenter replied that he had worked hard and taken good care of his family.

But St. Peter also rejected him, pointing out that he had been an impossible glutton, so much so that he married a woman named BonBon.

At this point the third man, who had been a lawyer, stood up and said, "Come on, Penny, let?s get out of here."

Pick Heaven or Hell

One day while walking down the street a highly successful executive woman was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself. "Welcome to Heaven," said St.Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had an executive make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in." said the woman.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."

"Actually, I think I've made up my mind...I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman.

"Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good- bye as she got on the elevator.

The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her. "Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said.

So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.

"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity," he said.

The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."

So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and Filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her. "I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."

The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you; today you're staff."

Don't hit it again !

Paddy was found dead in his back yard, and as the weather was a bit on the warm side, the wake was held down to only two days, so his mortal remains wouldn't take a bad turn.

At last his friends laid him in the box, nailed it shut & started down the hill into the churchyard. As it was a long, sloping path and the mourners were appropriately tipsy, one fellow lurched into the gatepost as they entered the graveyard.

Suddenly a loud knocking came from in the box. Paddy was alive! They opened the box up and he sat up, wide eyed, and they all said, Sure, it's a miracle of God! All rejoiced & they went back and had a few more drinks but later that day, the poor lad died.

Really died. Stone cold dead.

They bundled him back into his box, and as they huffed and puffed own the hill the next morning, the priest said, "Careful now, boys; mind ye don't bump the gatepost again"

The Irish Connection

There once was an proud Irishman named Pat, who went to heaven and saw St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter asked, "Who are you?"

and Pat replied, "My name is Pat, I'm an Irishman, born on St. Patrick's Day,died on St. Patrick's Day, marching' in the St. Patrick's Day parade."

St. Peter said to Pat: "Yes, this is true! Here's a little green cloud for you to drive around heaven in and here is a harp that, when you push this button here, will play 'When Irish Eyes Are Smiling.' Enjoy it,Pat. Have a good time in heaven."

Pat jumps on his little green cloud,punches the button, and heads out with a smile on his face and a song in his heart. He's having a wonderful time in heaven, driving his little green cloud around. But on the third day, he's driving down Expressway H-1 with the harp playing full blast when, all of a sudden, a Jewish man in a pink and white two-tone cloud with tail fins roars past him. And in the back of this cloud is an organ which is playing all sorts of celestial music.

Pat makes a U-turn right in the middle of the Heaven Expressway and charges back to the Pearly Gates. He says, "St. Peter, my name is Pat,I'm a proud Irishman. I was born on St. Patrick's Day, died on St.Patrick's Day, marching' in the St. Patrick's Day parade. I come up here to heaven and I get this tiny, insignificant little green cloud and this little harp that plays only one song, 'When Irish Eyes Are Smiling.

But, there's a Jew over there. He's got a big, beautiful pink and white two-tone cloud and a huge organ that plays all kinds of celestial music and I, Pat the Irishman, want to know why!

St. Peter stands up from his desk. He leans over and motions Pat the Irishman to come closer. Then he says: "Pat, shush! He's the Boss's Son!"

The preacher and the driver

After a preacher died and went to heaven, he noticed that a New York cab driver had been awarded a higher place than he.

"I don't understand," he complained to God. "I devoted my entire life to my congregation."

"Our policy here in heaven is to reward results," God explained. "Now, was your congregation well attuned to you whenever you gave a sermon?"

"Well," the minister had to admit, "some in the congregation fell asleep from time to time."

"Exactly," said God, "and when people rode in this man's taxi, they not only stayed wake, they even prayed.......

Happiness is holiness

Three men died and were taken by God to the top of a cliff. God said to them that since they had been such great outstanding citizens of earth that they would be given one chance to become anything that they desired.

The first man ran to the edge of the cliff, jumped into the air and shouted, "I want to be an eagle." Instantly he was changed into an eagle and soared off into the sunset.

The second man ran to the edge of the cliff, jumped into the air and shouted, "I want to be an owl." Instantly he was changed into an owl and soared off into the sunset.

The third man ran towards the edge of the cliff, tripped on a rock, and shouted, "Oh shit ..."

Watching for suicide

Why do they put a suicide watch on death row prisoners? Why would you care if a man you're planning to kill anyway, kills himself? Does it spoil the fun?

I also think about the death row prisoner in Texas who, on the day before his execution, managed to take a drug overdose. They rushed him to a hospital, saved his life, then brought him back to prison and killed him.

Apparently, just to anger him.

Jest A While

An elderly couple, still very loving after all these years, is shocked when the woman's doctor says she has a heart condition that could kill her at any time. She is to avoid stress, eat right, and never, ever have sex again--the strain would be too much.

The couple reluctantly try to live by these rules. Both get really horny over time, however, and the husband decides he'd better sleep downstairs on the couch to guard against temptation.

This works for a few weeks, until late one night when they meet each other on the stairs--she's coming downstairs, he's heading up.

"Honey, I have a confession to make," the woman says, her voice quavering. "I was about to commit suicide."

"I'm glad to hear it, sweetie," the man says, "Because I was just coming upstairs to kill you!"

Happy Easter To You All

How many cyber friends are there whom we’ve never met and are unlikely to and how long would it take before you trust them enough to support them or make a decision.

For them and for the others out there......

A Happy Easter to you all.

Get your betty ready

If you're considering dying your pubic hair, fear not - you are not the first.

There is a company out of New York named Betty, and they make haircolor specifically for your "hair down there".

Normal hair color contains ingredients like peroxide and ammonia. I'm certain I wouldn't want either of those chemicals near any part of my body that is sensitive, and most certainly not the most sensitive spot.

The Betty company was started by Nancy Jarecki, after sitting in a Rome salon and seeing women discreetly leaving with a paper bag, which she later discovered was hair color for each of them to take home and color their pubic hair. Upon further discussion back in the states with a friend who owned a salon, she found that many women are looking for this unique hair color product, whether to cover grays or to change their color for aesthetic reasons.

Betty makes hair color in black, brown, blonde and auburn. For the more adventurous, Betty makes a hot pink color, with other fun colors to follow (check out the holiday stencils that are available online.) And the entire line was developed under the consultation of a toxicologist to ensure the safety of the product.

Many women have used traditional hair color for coloring all of their hair. And now, thanks to Nancy, there is a safe, natural-looking, no-mess alternative to regular hair coloring. And at $20 a box, any woman would much rather trust their pubic hair to them.

Now all there is to do is go to www.bettybeauty.com , choose a color, and "Get your betty ready!"