The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so Pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.
The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day, the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE
The bishop was buried the next day.
The moral of the story is....that being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery...
So be yourself and enjoy... Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Monday, January 26, 2009
The Importance Of Laughter
The most powerful thing we’re given is our ability to laugh. It’s our greatest gift, especially if we can “laugh at ourselves” and not take ourselves so seriously
When you make fun of what frightens you, you get a mastery over it and gain control.
So go ahead, act silly. Let yourself act silly and share it. Laughter is contagious So, when you’re happy and you’re laughing it rubs off on people as everyone has a sense of humor, although few use it to the maximum
When you throw your head back and laugh, you’re not thinking of anything else. Laughter is the best thing you can do for your health. So, the old saying that 'laughter is the best medicine' definitely appears to be true. So, go ahead and just appreciate the importance of laughter.
It's a beautiful spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo. She's got on a close-fitting, low-cut, summer dress with spaghetti straps. As they walk thru the ape exhibit, and pass in front of a very large gorilla which goes ape.
He jumps up on the bars, he grunts, he pounds his chest. He is obviously excited at the sight of the young lady in the sundress. The husband, noticing the ape’s excitement, suggests that his wife tease the ape.
The husband suggests that she pucker her lips and wiggle her bottom.... She does, and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead...
Then her husband suggests that she let one of the straps of her dress slips down....She does and Mr. Gorilla is about to tear down the bars....
Her husband suggests she lift her dress up her thighs and she does. This about drives Mr. Gorilla crazy....
Then quickly the husband grabs his wife, rips open the door to the cage, flings her inside with the gorilla, slams the door shut and gleefully rubbing his hands together says...... Now, tell him you have a headache.
When you make fun of what frightens you, you get a mastery over it and gain control.
So go ahead, act silly. Let yourself act silly and share it. Laughter is contagious So, when you’re happy and you’re laughing it rubs off on people as everyone has a sense of humor, although few use it to the maximum
When you throw your head back and laugh, you’re not thinking of anything else. Laughter is the best thing you can do for your health. So, the old saying that 'laughter is the best medicine' definitely appears to be true. So, go ahead and just appreciate the importance of laughter.
It's a beautiful spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo. She's got on a close-fitting, low-cut, summer dress with spaghetti straps. As they walk thru the ape exhibit, and pass in front of a very large gorilla which goes ape.
He jumps up on the bars, he grunts, he pounds his chest. He is obviously excited at the sight of the young lady in the sundress. The husband, noticing the ape’s excitement, suggests that his wife tease the ape.
The husband suggests that she pucker her lips and wiggle her bottom.... She does, and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead...
Then her husband suggests that she let one of the straps of her dress slips down....She does and Mr. Gorilla is about to tear down the bars....
Her husband suggests she lift her dress up her thighs and she does. This about drives Mr. Gorilla crazy....
Then quickly the husband grabs his wife, rips open the door to the cage, flings her inside with the gorilla, slams the door shut and gleefully rubbing his hands together says...... Now, tell him you have a headache.
Monday, January 19, 2009
Marital Humor
A mother had 3 daughters.
They were all getting married within a short time period. The mother was a bit worried on how they were going to cope with sex.. as they never had it before... So, she made them all promise to send her a postcard with a few words on how marital sex felt.
The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but: "Nescafe"!
Mum was puzzled at first, but then went to her kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said.. Good till the last drop.
Mum blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.
The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Rothmans"
Mum now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the pack: "Extra Long. King Size"
She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.
The third girl left for her honeymoon in Cape Town. Mum waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived.
Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words "South African Airways"
Mum took out some of her latest magazines, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for SAA.
The ad said: "Ten times a day, seven days a week, both ways."
The mother fainted...
They were all getting married within a short time period. The mother was a bit worried on how they were going to cope with sex.. as they never had it before... So, she made them all promise to send her a postcard with a few words on how marital sex felt.
The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but: "Nescafe"!
Mum was puzzled at first, but then went to her kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said.. Good till the last drop.
Mum blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.
The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Rothmans"
Mum now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the pack: "Extra Long. King Size"
She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.
The third girl left for her honeymoon in Cape Town. Mum waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived.
Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words "South African Airways"
Mum took out some of her latest magazines, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for SAA.
The ad said: "Ten times a day, seven days a week, both ways."
The mother fainted...
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Erections And Raisins
A bakery owner hires a young sexy blonde who liked to wear very short sexy skirts and thong panties, not to mention braless tops that showed of her big boobs.
One day a young man comes into the store, glances at the sexy girl and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the sexy girl was a blonde, and that the length of her skirt [or lack thereof] and the location of the raisin bread ... on the very top shelf ... he politely says to the hottie, "I'd like some raisin bread, please."
She climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, providing the young man with an excellent view of the thongs and the tits, just as he surmised she would. When the blonde comes down the ladder, he says he really should get two loaves as he is having company for dinner.
As the sexy woman retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what is going on. Thinking quickly, he orders a loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view. With each trip up the ladder, the sexy blonde seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon, each male customer is asking for raisin bread just to watch the young sexy woman climb up and down.
After many trips, the blonde is tired, irritated and thinking she is really going to have to try the raisin bread herself. Once again she is up the ladder retrieving a loaf of raisin bread for another male customer. She stops and fumes, glaring at the men below. She notices an elderly man standing among the crowd of males looking up at her who hasn't placed an order yet.
Thinking to save herself another trip up and down the ladder, she yells at the elderly man, "Is yours raisin, too?" "No," croaked the old man, "but it's a quiverin'..."
One day a young man comes into the store, glances at the sexy girl and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the sexy girl was a blonde, and that the length of her skirt [or lack thereof] and the location of the raisin bread ... on the very top shelf ... he politely says to the hottie, "I'd like some raisin bread, please."
She climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, providing the young man with an excellent view of the thongs and the tits, just as he surmised she would. When the blonde comes down the ladder, he says he really should get two loaves as he is having company for dinner.
As the sexy woman retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what is going on. Thinking quickly, he orders a loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view. With each trip up the ladder, the sexy blonde seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon, each male customer is asking for raisin bread just to watch the young sexy woman climb up and down.
After many trips, the blonde is tired, irritated and thinking she is really going to have to try the raisin bread herself. Once again she is up the ladder retrieving a loaf of raisin bread for another male customer. She stops and fumes, glaring at the men below. She notices an elderly man standing among the crowd of males looking up at her who hasn't placed an order yet.
Thinking to save herself another trip up and down the ladder, she yells at the elderly man, "Is yours raisin, too?" "No," croaked the old man, "but it's a quiverin'..."
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Always Keep Your Condoms In Your Car
My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful and sexy younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, a regular hottie who wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra less. One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations.
She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.
She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.
When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.
I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, we are very happy that you have passed our little test.....we couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter.
Welcome to the family."
The moral of the story.....
Always keep your condoms in your car !
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, a regular hottie who wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra less. One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations.
She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.
She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.
When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.
I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, we are very happy that you have passed our little test.....we couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter.
Welcome to the family."
The moral of the story.....
Always keep your condoms in your car !
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Who Said Blondes Were Dumb
A lawyer and a sexy blonde with huge boobs, are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY.
Curiosity gets the better of the lawyer and asks the blonde with sexy legs and huge tits about her profession. The hottie tells him that she is a model
Satisfied, the lawyer introduces himself and asks the hot blonde whether she would like to play a fun game.
The sexy model just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists, and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa."
Again, the blonde model politely declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50!" figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match.
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what is the answer!?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
Now, who said blondes were dumb !
Curiosity gets the better of the lawyer and asks the blonde with sexy legs and huge tits about her profession. The hottie tells him that she is a model
Satisfied, the lawyer introduces himself and asks the hot blonde whether she would like to play a fun game.
The sexy model just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists, and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa."
Again, the blonde model politely declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50!" figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match.
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what is the answer!?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
Now, who said blondes were dumb !
Saturday, December 20, 2008
Big Shit No Chief
There was this chief somewhere in the dark continent... and he was constipated....
Aftr the 1st day, he send a runner to go get his personal medicine man...
The medicine man asked the runner..what the problems was... he says...
"Big Chief, No Sh*t"...
So he send the Chief some local laxatives and told the runner to tell the chief to take 2 pills...
Unfortunately there was no improvement in the chief's condition... so he send the runner again to the medicine man...
This time he told the runner to tell the chief to take 4 pills...
Again there was no improvement and the chief had problem cr*ppin...
Nextday, he screamed at the runner and said .. if there is no improvement by tomorrow, both you and the medicine man would be tomorrow's supper..
The runner, scared stiff explained this to the doctor..
The Doctor calmly advised him to tell the chief to take 8 pills, knowing the strength of the pills..
The runner on the way thought, instead of the 8 pills, what if the Chief took the entire bottle... this way, there would be adefinite result and he could surely save his head..
So he advised the chief.. to consume the entire bottle..
Next day, the runner came running faster than usual to the medicine man....
When asked about the problemm...he couldn't speak... finally when he came to..
He says... "Big Sh*t No Chief"....
Aftr the 1st day, he send a runner to go get his personal medicine man...
The medicine man asked the runner..what the problems was... he says...
"Big Chief, No Sh*t"...
So he send the Chief some local laxatives and told the runner to tell the chief to take 2 pills...
Unfortunately there was no improvement in the chief's condition... so he send the runner again to the medicine man...
This time he told the runner to tell the chief to take 4 pills...
Again there was no improvement and the chief had problem cr*ppin...
Nextday, he screamed at the runner and said .. if there is no improvement by tomorrow, both you and the medicine man would be tomorrow's supper..
The runner, scared stiff explained this to the doctor..
The Doctor calmly advised him to tell the chief to take 8 pills, knowing the strength of the pills..
The runner on the way thought, instead of the 8 pills, what if the Chief took the entire bottle... this way, there would be adefinite result and he could surely save his head..
So he advised the chief.. to consume the entire bottle..
Next day, the runner came running faster than usual to the medicine man....
When asked about the problemm...he couldn't speak... finally when he came to..
He says... "Big Sh*t No Chief"....
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