There were two nuns.
One of them is known as Sister Mathematical (SM) and the other one is known as Sister Logical (SL).
It was getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past
thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It’s logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most. What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It’s not working!
SL: Of course it’s not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I’ll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried what has happened to Sister Logical. Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank the lord you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn’t follow us both, so he followed me.
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me....
SM: What did you do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up....
SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants....
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn’t it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down........
And those of you who thought it would be dirty, Pray for forgiveness.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Vodka And Sermon
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous that he could hardly speak. After mass, he asked the monsignor how he had done.The monsignor replied, " When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the $$=+ out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10)We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11)What Jesus said at the last supper was "take this bread and eat it for it's my body." He did not say.. Eat me
12)The Virgin Mary is not called " Mary with the Cherry,.
13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's....
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the $$=+ out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10)We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11)What Jesus said at the last supper was "take this bread and eat it for it's my body." He did not say.. Eat me
12)The Virgin Mary is not called " Mary with the Cherry,.
13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's....
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Your First Time
It's your first time.
As you lie back..you feel your muscles tighten.
You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.
He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely.
He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place.
He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be.
He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him - he's done this many times before.
His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance.
You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible.
As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues.
He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful.
Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on.
He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you.
After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over.
He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.
You smile and thank your dentist.
After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled out
For those of you who had sex and orgasm in their minds - shame on you !!
Don't worry your time will come !
A word of thanks for asking to put in a few words on Dentists and adultery
As you lie back..you feel your muscles tighten.
You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.
He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely.
He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place.
He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be.
He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him - he's done this many times before.
His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance.
You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible.
As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues.
He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful.
Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on.
He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you.
After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over.
He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.
You smile and thank your dentist.
After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled out
For those of you who had sex and orgasm in their minds - shame on you !!
Don't worry your time will come !
A word of thanks for asking to put in a few words on Dentists and adultery
Sunday, November 9, 2008
Cyber-sex-lay-about-and-nerdo-well
It is estimated that 75 percent of Japanese women own vibrators.
The global average is only 47 percent
Perhaps this may be due to the influence of electronics in their society... it is also believed that the next generation of japanese vibrators.."comes" with a robot !
The maximum depth at which vaginal stimulation occurs is only 2"
This makes it all the more funny, when women complain about being shagged, sorry that is when they complain that they have a headache when asked for sex !
A female orgasm is a powerfull painkiller [because of the release of endorfines], so headaches are in fact a bad excuse not to have sex... Women must be educated on this aspect !
It is believed that one in three men, cheats on his partner, as opposed to one in four women. However it is sad that only 28% of female cheaters get caught, while you don't want to know the male side... it may make you cry !
By the way... a "cyber-sex-lay-about-and-neer-do-well" is a person who reads sex trivia pages on the Internet...
So thanks for asking to comment on this subject........
The global average is only 47 percent
Perhaps this may be due to the influence of electronics in their society... it is also believed that the next generation of japanese vibrators.."comes" with a robot !
The maximum depth at which vaginal stimulation occurs is only 2"
This makes it all the more funny, when women complain about being shagged, sorry that is when they complain that they have a headache when asked for sex !
A female orgasm is a powerfull painkiller [because of the release of endorfines], so headaches are in fact a bad excuse not to have sex... Women must be educated on this aspect !
It is believed that one in three men, cheats on his partner, as opposed to one in four women. However it is sad that only 28% of female cheaters get caught, while you don't want to know the male side... it may make you cry !
By the way... a "cyber-sex-lay-about-and-neer-do-well" is a person who reads sex trivia pages on the Internet...
So thanks for asking to comment on this subject........
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Nothing Llike A Blonde Scorned
She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates, and suitcases.
On the second day she had the movers come and collect her things.
On the third day she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table.
Lit the candles, put on some soft background music and feasted on a lb of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of chardonnay.
When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods.
She cleaned up the kitchen and left
When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.
Then slowly the house began to smell.......
They tried everything, cleaning, mopping, and airing the place out.
Vents were checked for dead rodents and the carpets were steam cleaned.
Air fresheners were hung everywhere.
Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days.
Nothing worked......
People stopped coming over to visit.
Repair men refused to work in the house...
The maid quit...
Finally they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move..
A month later, even though they cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.
Word got out, and eventually the local realitors refused to take their calls.
Finally they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
The ex-wife [the blonde] called her x husband, and asked how things were going.
He told her the saga of the rotting house...
She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back !!!
Knowing his wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10 what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.....
The blonde agreed, and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paper work.
A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smilimg as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home, including the curtain rods.
Moral of the story...
Be extremly careful with blondes.... !!
On the second day she had the movers come and collect her things.
On the third day she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table.
Lit the candles, put on some soft background music and feasted on a lb of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of chardonnay.
When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods.
She cleaned up the kitchen and left
When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.
Then slowly the house began to smell.......
They tried everything, cleaning, mopping, and airing the place out.
Vents were checked for dead rodents and the carpets were steam cleaned.
Air fresheners were hung everywhere.
Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days.
Nothing worked......
People stopped coming over to visit.
Repair men refused to work in the house...
The maid quit...
Finally they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move..
A month later, even though they cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.
Word got out, and eventually the local realitors refused to take their calls.
Finally they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
The ex-wife [the blonde] called her x husband, and asked how things were going.
He told her the saga of the rotting house...
She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back !!!
Knowing his wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10 what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.....
The blonde agreed, and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paper work.
A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smilimg as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home, including the curtain rods.
Moral of the story...
Be extremly careful with blondes.... !!
Monday, October 20, 2008
Career Decision Made Easy
Two managers are heatedly discussing on how to lay off one of their two assistants, Jack or Jane. They go back and forth but can't decide who to lay off. Finally, one manager decides that they lay off the first person who gets up from their desk.
In the meantime, Jane is hard at work but suddenly gets a headache. She gets some aspirin from her desk drawer and gets up from her desk to get some water. As agreed, one of the managers gets up to break the bad news to Jane.
Jane, I need to talk to you. I've got a problem. I either need to lay you or Jack off..." Jane responds..... Well..... Jack off ! I've got a headache.
In the meantime, Jane is hard at work but suddenly gets a headache. She gets some aspirin from her desk drawer and gets up from her desk to get some water. As agreed, one of the managers gets up to break the bad news to Jane.
Jane, I need to talk to you. I've got a problem. I either need to lay you or Jack off..." Jane responds..... Well..... Jack off ! I've got a headache.
Friday, October 10, 2008
Business Ethics
When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss. The brain said: "I should be Boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions."
The feet said, "We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go."
The hands said, "We should be the Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money."
And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the a*s*hole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the a*s*hole being the Boss.
So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work. Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually they all decided that the a*s*hole should be the boss, so the motion was passed.
All the other parts did all the work while the boss just sat and passed out the shit!
Q: What can we learn from this?
A: You don't need brains to be a Boss - any a*s*hole will do.
The feet said, "We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go."
The hands said, "We should be the Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money."
And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the a*s*hole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the a*s*hole being the Boss.
So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work. Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually they all decided that the a*s*hole should be the boss, so the motion was passed.
All the other parts did all the work while the boss just sat and passed out the shit!
Q: What can we learn from this?
A: You don't need brains to be a Boss - any a*s*hole will do.
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