Is Hell Exothermic Or Endothermic

The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry midterm, and an actual answer turned in by a student.

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over,it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct.... ...leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+

How Moses Got The 10 Commandments

Please view this in the context that it has been portrayed, ie., light humor - it is just that there are too many religious bulletins coming out and the mind is getting out of hand.

Hence the below...

The Lord went to the Arabs and said, 'I have Commandments for you that will make Your lives better.'

The Arabs asked, 'What are Commandments?' And the Lord said, 'They are rules for Living.'

Can you give us an example?' 'Thou shall not kill.' 'Not kill? We're not interested.'

So He went to the Blacks and said, 'I have Commandments.'

The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord Said, 'Honor thy Father and Mother.'

'Father? We don't know who our fathers are. We're not interested.'

Then He went to the Mexicans and said, 'I have Commandments.'

The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said 'Thou shall not steal.' 'Not steal? We're not interested.'

Then He went to the French and said, I have Commandments.'

The French too wanted an example and the Lord Said, 'Thou shall not commit adultery.'

Not commit adultery? We're not interested.'

Finally, He went to the Jews and said, 'I have Commandments.' 'Commandments?' They said, 'How much are They?' 'They're free.'

'We'll take 10.'

There, that should offend just about Everybody.

Once again, this is just a joke and it is not an intention to hurt any specific person, or religion... some of my best friends are from the religions mentioned above, and they did have a good laugh at this...

The Indian Condom Market

Was watching the idiot box yesterday, and noticed that the Indian Condom market had been given an extensive makeover.. There are multiple brands now in the market, and the models openly advertise the policy of multiple partners, but sex should be safe and hence the product.

I remember at one point in time it was so difficult to convince a male to wear one in this part of the world.. perhaps it is the Indian male "hangup".....

Now just imagine what happened if a variety of companies decided to enter the condom market.. say Nike.. No doubt, it would be a great hit.. With a catch phrase of "Just Do It" would not only remove any misgivings on the product, but would also transcend any cultural barriers...

Now to go one step further, just imagine if all major retailers started making their own condoms and kept the same tag-line... beginning with Nike..

Nike - Just Do It

Tesco Condoms - every little helps
Galaxy Condoms - Why have rubber when you can have silk.
KFC Condoms - Finger licking good.
Minstrels Condoms - melt in your mouth, not in your hands.
Safeway Condoms - Lightening the load.
Coca Cola condoms - The real thing.
Ever Ready condoms - keep going and going.
Pringles condoms - once you pop, you cant stop
Burger King Condoms - Home of the whopper
Goodyear Condoms - for a longer ride go wide
FCUK condoms - no comment required.
Muller light condoms - so much pleasure, but where's the pain.
Halfords condoms - we go the extra mile.
Royal Mail condoms - I saw this and thought of you.
Andrex condoms - Soft, strong and very very long
Renault condoms - size really does matter!
Ronseal condoms - does exactly what it says on the tin
Ronseal quick-drying condoms - its dry and waterproof in 30 minutes
Domestos condoms - gets right under the rim!!! (Please)
Heineken condoms - reaches parts that other condoms just cannot reach
Carlsberg condoms - probably the best condom in the world
AA Condoms - for the 4th emergency service
Pepperami condoms - it's a bit of an animal
Polo condoms - the condom with the hole!!!

Now to "close" the topic with an anecdote.... no offense please..

To avoid a condom related accident use 2 condoms with chilli powder in between them if outer breaks she will know and if inner one breaks you will know !

Viva la condom !

The Old Lady And The Defense Attorney

Defense Attorney: What is your age?

Little Old Woman: I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you?

Little Old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?

Little Old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down beside you?

Little Old Woman: He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?

Little Old Woman: No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner passed away some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Woman: He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?

Little Old Woman: Hell No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just spread my old legs and said to him, just spread my old legs "Take me, young man, take me!"

Defense Attorney: Did he take you?

Little Old Woman: Hell, no. That's when he yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot the sob !



 

Corporate Communication

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold; the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field.

While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was.

The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!

Now what can we learn from this?

A1: Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy.
A2: Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
A3: Most importantly: when you're in deep shit, keep your mouth shut

Quick Thinking

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston .. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350 .. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use. "But we didn't use them," the man complains ... "Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says. "But we didn't go to any of those shows, "complains the man again .. "Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies ... No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!"

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay .. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager ... The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, this check is only made out for $50."..... "That's correct," says the man. "I charged you $300 for sleeping with my wife." .. "But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.. Well, too bad," the man replies... "She was here and you could have."

Quick thinking.....

Similarly in marketing, it is those who can come up with such glib, make it to the top !\

A Trainee's First Day In A MNC

A man joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee On his first day, he dialed the kitchen and shouted into the phone:

"Get me a cup of coffee, quickly!"

The voice from the other side responded:

"You fool; you've dialled the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to?"

"No" replied the trainee.

"It's the Managing Director of the company, you idiot!"

The trainee shouted back: "And do you know who YOU are talking to, you IDIOT?"

"No!" replied the Managing Director angrily.

"Good" replies the trainee and puts down the phone.

The Girl And The Dog

A man is! taking a walk in Central park in New York . Suddenly he sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog.

He runs over and starts fighting with the dog. He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl's life.

A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and says: "You are a hero, tomorrow you can read it in all the newspapers:

"Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl".

The man says: "But I am not a New Yorker!"

Oh then it will say in newspapers in the morning:

"Brave American saves life of little girl" the policeman answers.

"But I am not an American!" - says the man. Oh, what are you then?"

The man says: "I am a Pakistani!"

The next day the newspapers say: "Extremist kills innocent American dog"

(This is supposed to be treated as a joke, and pardon me if it has caused offense to anyone..)

Try And Crack The Moral To This Story

Once there was a bus conductor, who was very rude to his passengers.

One day a beautiful young girl, of around 18 years, tried to board the bus, but he didn't stop the bus.

Unfortunately the beautiful young girl came under the bus and died on the spot. Angry passengers took the conductor to the police station, who in turn took him to the court. The judge was not at all impressed with him and gave him capital punishment. He was taken to the electrocution chamber. There was a single chair in the center of the room and a single banana peel at one corner of the room. The conductor was strapped to the chair and high voltage current was given to him. But to everyone's amazement, he survived. The judge decided to set him free, and he returned to his profession.

After a few months, this time, a good looking middle aged woman tried to board the bus but the conductor didn't stop the bus. Unfortunately, this time also, the good looking middle aged woman came under the bus and died on the spot.

Again angry passengers took him to the police station, who in turn took him to the court. The judge took one look at the conductor and gave him capital punishment. The Bus conductor was taken to the same electrocution chamber where there was a single chair in the center of the room and a single banana peel at one corner of the room. He was strapped to the chair and high voltage current was given to him. This time also to everyone's amazement, he survived. The judge decided to set him free, and he returned to his profession.

A couple of months later, an elderly gentleman tried to board the bus. This time the bus conductor, remembering his earlier experiences, stopped the bus. Unfortunately the elderly gentleman slipped and died due to his injuries. The conductor was taken to the police station and then to the court, to the same judge. Though he hadn't done anything wrong, but considering his past record the judge decided to set an example and gave him capital punishment. The Bus conductor was again taken to the same electrocution chamber where there was a single chair in the center of the room and a single banana peel at one corner of the room. He was strapped to the chair and high voltage current was given to him. This time he died instantly!

The question is why didn't he die on the first two occasions, but die instantly the third time??

Try to solve it yourselves. This is rather interesting and answer is perfectly logical. If necessary read the puzzle once again.

If you can't find a moral to this story....then read on

During the first two times, the conductor acted like a bad conductor and hence the electricity was not able to pass through him.

But however during the third time, he behaved like a good conductor and hence the electricity passed through him quickly thereby killing him instantly!

Duh !

11th Sept - India

Vajpayee and Bush are sitting in a bar.

A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Hey, isn't that Bush and Vajpayee?"

The barman says "Yep, that's them." So the guy walks over and says, "Hello, what are you guys doing?"

Bush says, "We're planning on World War III"

The guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"

And Vajpayee says, "Well, we're going to kill 14 million Pakistanis and one bicycle repairman."

And the guy exclaimed, "A bicycle repairman?!"

Vajpayee turns to Bush and says, "See, I told you no-one would worry about the 14 million Pakistanis!"

(This is supposed to be treated as a joke, and pardon me if it has caused offense to anyone..)

11th Sept - Pakistan

Musharraf calls President Bush on 11th Sept and says - Mr President, I would like to express my deep condolences to you. This is a real tragedy. So many people, such great buildings and so much loss... I would like to ensure that we had nothing in connection with that..

Bush says what buildings? What people??

Musharraf responds.... Oh, and what time is it in America now?

Bush says it's about eight in the morning...

Musharraf curses and says oops...will call back in an hour!

 (This is supposed to be treated as a joke, and pardon me if it has caused offense to anyone..)

11th Sept - China

The Prime Minister of The People Republic Of China called on President Bush to console him after the dastardly attack on the Pentagon.........

"I'm sorry to hear about the attack. It is a very big tragedy. However, should you need copies or you are missing any documents from the Pentagon, we have copies of everything."

 (This is supposed to be treated as a joke, and pardon me if it has caused offense to anyone..)

The Arab And The Genie

An Arab had just spent many days crossing the desert without water.

His camel had died of thirst and he was crawling through the sands, certain that the end was close when all of a sudden he sees a shiny object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an ash tray from an old car. He opens it and out pops a genie...

But this apparently is no ordinary genie. He is wearing a polka dot bow tie and a sport coat with a dog-eared little book in the breast pocket with a blue cover and has a pencil tucked behind one ear.

"Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three wishes."

"I'm not falling for this." says the man. "I'm not going to trust a used car salesman!"

"What have you got to lose?”

"You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!”

The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.

"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink." ***POOF*** The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

"OK, kid, what's your second wish."

"My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams." ***POOF*** The Arab finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems."

"OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the Arab says: "I wish that no matter where I go, a beautiful woman will want and need me." ***POOF*** He's turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story?

If a used car salesman offers you anything at no cost, there's always going to be a string attached somewhere!

The Pastor's Ass

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so Pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.

The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE

The bishop was buried the next day.


The moral of the story is....that being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery...
So be yourself and enjoy... Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!

The Importance Of Laughter

The most powerful thing we’re given is our ability to laugh. It’s our greatest gift, especially if we can “laugh at ourselves” and not take ourselves so seriously

When you make fun of what frightens you, you get a mastery over it and gain control.

So go ahead, act silly. Let yourself act silly and share it. Laughter is contagious So, when you’re happy and you’re laughing it rubs off on people as everyone has a sense of humor, although few use it to the maximum

When you throw your head back and laugh, you’re not thinking of anything else. Laughter is the best thing you can do for your health. So, the old saying that 'laughter is the best medicine' definitely appears to be true. So, go ahead and just appreciate the importance of laughter.

It's a beautiful spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo. She's got on a close-fitting, low-cut, summer dress with spaghetti straps. As they walk thru the ape exhibit, and pass in front of a very large gorilla which goes ape.

He jumps up on the bars, he grunts, he pounds his chest. He is obviously excited at the sight of the young lady in the sundress. The husband, noticing the ape’s excitement, suggests that his wife tease the ape.

The husband suggests that she pucker her lips and wiggle her bottom.... She does, and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead...

Then her husband suggests that she let one of the straps of her dress slips down....She does and Mr. Gorilla is about to tear down the bars....

Her husband suggests she lift her dress up her thighs and she does. This about drives Mr. Gorilla crazy....

Then quickly the husband grabs his wife, rips open the door to the cage, flings her inside with the gorilla, slams the door shut and gleefully rubbing his hands together says...... Now, tell him you have a headache.

Marital Humor

A mother had 3 daughters.

They were all getting married within a short time period. The mother was a bit worried on how they were going to cope with sex.. as they never had it before... So, she made them all promise to send her a postcard with a few words on how marital sex felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but: "Nescafe"!

Mum was puzzled at first, but then went to her kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said.. Good till the last drop.

Mum blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Rothmans"

Mum now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the pack: "Extra Long. King Size"

She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in Cape Town. Mum waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived.

Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words "South African Airways"

Mum took out some of her latest magazines, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for SAA.

The ad said: "Ten times a day, seven days a week, both ways."

The mother fainted...

Erections And Raisins

A bakery owner hires a young sexy blonde who liked to wear very short sexy skirts and thong panties, not to mention braless tops that showed of her big boobs.

One day a young man comes into the store, glances at the sexy girl and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the sexy girl was a blonde, and that the length of her skirt [or lack thereof] and the location of the raisin bread ... on the very top shelf ... he politely says to the hottie, "I'd like some raisin bread, please."

She climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, providing the young man with an excellent view of the thongs and the tits, just as he surmised she would. When the blonde comes down the ladder, he says he really should get two loaves as he is having company for dinner.

As the sexy woman retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what is going on. Thinking quickly, he orders a loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view. With each trip up the ladder, the sexy blonde seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon, each male customer is asking for raisin bread just to watch the young sexy woman climb up and down.

After many trips, the blonde is tired, irritated and thinking she is really going to have to try the raisin bread herself. Once again she is up the ladder retrieving a loaf of raisin bread for another male customer. She stops and fumes, glaring at the men below. She notices an elderly man standing among the crowd of males looking up at her who hasn't placed an order yet.

Thinking to save herself another trip up and down the ladder, she yells at the elderly man, "Is yours raisin, too?" "No," croaked the old man, "but it's a quiverin'..."

Always Keep Your Condoms In Your Car

My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful and sexy younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, a regular hottie who wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra less. One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations.

She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.

She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.

When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.

I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, we are very happy that you have passed our little test.....we couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter.

Welcome to the family."


The moral of the story.....

Always keep your condoms in your car !

Who Said Blondes Were Dumb

A lawyer and a sexy blonde with huge boobs, are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY.

Curiosity gets the better of the lawyer and asks the blonde with sexy legs and huge tits about her profession. The hottie tells him that she is a model

Satisfied, the lawyer introduces himself and asks the hot blonde whether she would like to play a fun game.

The sexy model just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa."

Again, the blonde model politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50!" figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match.

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what is the answer!?"

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

Now, who said blondes were dumb !

Big Shit No Chief

There was this chief somewhere in the dark continent... and he was constipated....

Aftr the 1st day, he send a runner to go get his personal medicine man...

The medicine man asked the runner..what the problems was... he says...

"Big Chief, No Sh*t"...

So he send the Chief some local laxatives and told the runner to tell the chief to take 2 pills...

Unfortunately there was no improvement in the chief's condition... so he send the runner again to the medicine man...

This time he told the runner to tell the chief to take 4 pills...

Again there was no improvement and the chief had problem cr*ppin...

Nextday, he screamed at the runner and said .. if there is no improvement by tomorrow, both you and the medicine man would be tomorrow's supper..

The runner, scared stiff explained this to the doctor..

The Doctor calmly advised him to tell the chief to take 8 pills, knowing the strength of the pills..

The runner on the way thought, instead of the 8 pills, what if the Chief took the entire bottle... this way, there would be adefinite result and he could surely save his head..

So he advised the chief.. to consume the entire bottle..

Next day, the runner came running faster than usual to the medicine man....

When asked about the problemm...he couldn't speak... finally when he came to..

He says... "Big Sh*t No Chief"....